Funny Quotes

23. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

^{Elbert Hubbard}

24. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

^{Thomas Sowell}

25. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

^{Mitch Hedberg}

26. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

^{Fred Allen}

27. I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

^{Calvin Coolidge}

28. Cure for an obsession: get another one.

^{Mason Cooley}

29. My life needs editing.

^{Mort Sahl}

30. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

^{Ron White}

31. Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

^{E. B. White}

32. I can resist everything except temptation. – Funny Quotes

^{Oscar Wilde}

33. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Funny Quotes

^{Mel Brooks}

34. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

^{Lana Turner}

35. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Funny Quotes

^{Henry Kissinger}

36. I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

^{Imelda Marcos}

37. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

^{Jack Benny}

38. Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. – Funny Quotes

^{Thor Heyerdahl}

39. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

^{Ellen DeGeneres}

40. It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.

^{Arnold Schwarzenegger}

41. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – Funny Quotes

^{David Lee Roth}

42. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. – Funny Quotes

^{Will Rogers}

43. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Funny Quotes

^{Abraham Lincoln}

44. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Funny Quotes

^{Mark Twain}

45. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Funny Quotes

^{Steve Martin}

46. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Funny Quotes

^{Albert Einstein}

47. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

^{Theodore Roosevelt}

48. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

^{W. H. Auden}

49. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

^{Casey Stengel}

50. If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

^{Johnny Carson}

51. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

^{Mae West}

52. We are all born mad. Some remain so.

^{Samuel Beckett}

53. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – Funny Quotes

^{George Burns}

54. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

^{Robin Williams}

55. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Funny Quotes

^{Lily Tomlin}

56. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.

^{Walt Whitman}

57. I never said most of the things I said. – Funny Quotes

^{Yogi Berra}

58. If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

^{Henry David Thoreau}

59. If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

^{Henny Youngman}

60. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – Funny Quotes

^{W. C. Fields}

61. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. – Funny Quotes

^{P. J. O’Rourke}

62. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

^{Brooke Shields}

63. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

^{Walt Disney}

64. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

^{Anthony Burgess}

65. Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

^{Ronald Reagan}

66. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

^{Zsa Zsa Gabor}

67. Too much agreement kills a chat.

^{Eldridge Cleaver}

68. I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Funny Quotes

^{Joe E. Lewis}

69. That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

^{Joe Rogan}

70. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. – Funny Quotes

^{Woody Allen}

71. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

^{Thomas Szasz}

72. By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

^{Richard Dawkins}

73. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – Funny Quotes

^Unknown

74. Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.

^{Luis Bunuel}

75. I’d like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. – Funny Quotes

^{Bette Davis}

76. I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. – Funny Quotes

^{Warren Buffett}

77. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

^{Hillary Clinton}

78. I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.

^{Charles Darwin}