Funny Quotes

293. He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.

^{Alice Roosevelt Longworth}

294. We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder.

^{Andre Maurois}

295. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

^{Arnold Schwarzenegger}

296. Never have more children than you have car windows. – Funny Quotes

^{Erma Bombeck}

297. Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

^{Tracey Ullman}

298. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

^{Johnny Carson}

299. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. – Funny Quotes

^{Fran Lebowitz}

300. There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.

^{Josh Billings}

Funny Quotes 301 – 400

301. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

^{Robert Benchley}

302. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

^{Jane Wagner}

303. When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

^{Richard Lewis}

304. I never liked you, and I always will.

^{Samuel Goldwyn}

305. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

^{Dave Barry}

306. I rant, therefore I am.

^{Dennis Miller}

307. California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

^{Fred Allen}

308. The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.

^{Bill Vaughan}

309. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

^{Phyllis Diller}

310. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. – Funny Quotes

^{Joan Rivers}

311. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

^{Jay Leno}

312. Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

^{James Thurber}

313. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

^{Spike Milligan}

314. I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.

^{Billy Connolly}

315. Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

^{Cathy Guisewite}

316. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Funny Quotes

^{Samuel Goldwyn}

317. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

^{Joe E. Lewis}

318. It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

^{H. L. Mencken}

319. Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

^{Don Marquis}

320. Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

^{Robert Benchley}

321. Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. – Funny Quotes

^{Milton Berle}

322. Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.

^{Bill Hicks}

323. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

^{Bill Maher}

324. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

^{Joan Rivers}

325. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

^{Bob Hope}

326. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

^{George Carlin}

327. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. – Funny Quotes

^{Lewis Black}

328. Every dogma has its day.

^{Anthony Burgess}

329. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Funny Quotes

^{Mitch Hedberg}

330. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

^{Will Rogers}

331. If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

^{George Bernard Shaw}

332. It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

^{Jay London}

333. When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

^{Henny Youngman}

334. Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

^{Lenny Bruce}

335. If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!

^{Demetri Martin}

336. We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.

^{Logan Pearsall Smith}

337. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

^{Groucho Marx}

338. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

^{Emo Philips}

339. Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. – Funny Quotes

^{Laurence J. Peter}

340. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

^{George Carlin}

341. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

^{Bob Hope}

342. I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

^{Ellen DeGeneres}

343. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.

^{Fred Allen}

344. I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

^{Woody Allen}

345. It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

^{Arthur C. Clarke}

346. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

^{Jerry Seinfeld}