Funny Quotes

239. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Funny Quotes

^{Robin Williams}

240. As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

^{Calvin Trillin}

241. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

^{Phyllis Diller}

242. I like children – fried.

^{W. C. Fields}

243. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

^{Billy Connolly}

244. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

^{George Carlin}

245. One man is as good as another until he has written a book. – Funny Quotes

^{Benjamin Jowett}

246. Never fight an inanimate object.

^{P. J. O’Rourke}

247. People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

^{Logan Pearsall Smith}

248. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

^{Lily Tomlin}

249. Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?

^{Don Rickles}

250. The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

^{Mark Twain}

251. I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. – Funny Quotes

^{Emo Philips}

252. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. – Funny Quotes

^{Yogi Berra}

253. Macho does not prove mucho.

^{Zsa Zsa Gabor}

254. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

^{Groucho Marx}

255. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

^{George Burns}

256. Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

^{H. L. Mencken}

257. One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

^{Ronald Reagan}

258. I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

^{Douglas Adams}

259. I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

^{Edith Sitwell}

260. Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

^{Christopher Plummer}

261. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? – Funny Quotes

^{James Thurber}

262. If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.

^{William Feather}

263. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

^{Fred Allen}

264. When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.

^{Lenny Bruce}

265. I can speak Esperanto like a native.

^{Spike Milligan}

266. It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

^{Johnny Vegas}

267. People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. – Funny Quotes

^{Ellen DeGeneres}

268. Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.

^{Caroline Rhea}

269. Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

^{Abraham Lincoln}

270. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

^{Clint Eastwood}

271. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

^{Mel Brooks}

272. I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

^{Dylan Moran}

273. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

^{Rodney Dangerfield}

274. An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.

^{Don Marquis}

275. I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Funny Quotes

^{Charles M. Schulz}

276. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

^{Laurence J. Peter}

277. Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

^{Wilson Mizner}

278. If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

^{Henny Youngman}

279. The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

^{P. G. Wodehouse}

280. I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.

^{Roy Orbison}

281. I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

^{Eddie Izzard}

282. Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

^{Will Rogers}

283. Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs. – Funny Quotes

^{Alfred Hitchcock}

284. Never floss with a stranger.

^{Joan Rivers}

285. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

^{Jay London}

286. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

^{Albert Einstein}

287. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

^{Jack Benny}

288. I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

^{Paul Lynde}

289. If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? – Funny Quotes

^{Robin Williams}

290. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

^{Oscar Wilde}

291. What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.

^{Samuel Beckett}

292. Be obscure clearly.

^{E. B. White}