Funny Quotes

184. All my children inherited perfect pitch. – Funny Quotes

^{Chevy Chase}

185. I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. – Funny Quotes

^{Paula Poundstone}

186. My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

^{Angie Dickinson}

187. I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.

^{Anna Held}

188. I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

^{Mickey Rooney}

189. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

^{Mitch Hedberg}

190. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

^{Mark Twain}

191. Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

^{Sparky Anderson}

192. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

^{Joan Rivers}

193. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Funny Quotes

^{Yogi Berra}

194. To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

^{Dick Cavett}

195. I like marriage. The idea.

^{Toni Morrison}

196. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

^{Jerry Seinfeld}

197. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

^{Gloria Steinem}

198. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

^{Josh Billings}

199. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

^{Paul Lynde}

200. Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

^{Joseph Brodsky}

Funny Quotes 201 – 300

201. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. – Funny Quotes

^{Rita Rudner}

202. You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.

^{H. Jackson Brown, Jr.}

203. I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

^{Howard Nemerov}

204. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

^{George Carlin}

205. The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

^{Jimmy Fallon}

206. I own and operate a ferocious ego.

^{Bill Moyers}

207. As for our majority… one is enough.

^{Benjamin Disraeli}

208. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Funny Quotes

^{Lily Tomlin}

209. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

^{Abraham Lincoln}

210. I think serial monogamy says it all.

^{Tracey Ullman}

211. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

^{George Burns}

212. If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.

^{Marcelene Cox}

213. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

^{H. L. Mencken}

214. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

^{Don Marquis}

215. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

^{Laurence J. Peter}

216. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

^{Steven Wright}

217. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. – Funny Quotes

^{Woody Allen}

218. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

^{Mae West}

219. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

^{Steve Martin}

220. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

^{Robin Williams}

221. I saw a stationery store move.

^{Jay London}

222. I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.

^{Michael Crichton}

223. I’m for whatever gets you through the night.

^{Frank Sinatra}

224. Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

^{Jay Leno}

225. My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

^{Margaret Smith}

226. When I was born I owed twelve dollars. – Funny Quotes

^{George S. Kaufman}

227. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

^{Milton Berle}

228. I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

^{Michael J. Fox}

229. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

^{Rodney Dangerfield}

230. One man’s folly is another man’s wife.

^{Helen Rowland}

231. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

^{Groucho Marx}

232. Let’s have some new cliches. – Funny Quotes

^{Samuel Goldwyn}

233. The next time you have a thought… let it go.

^{Ron White}

234. Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

^{Steve Martin}

235. There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.

^{Lewis Black}

236. She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

^{J. B. Priestley}

237. A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

^{Kevin Nealon}

238. If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

^{Joan Rivers}