Funny Quotes

79. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

^{Oscar Levant}

80. There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

^{Chris Rock}

81. If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. – Funny Quotes

^{Clint Eastwood}

82. You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

^{Milton Berle}

83. The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. – Funny Quotes

^{Thomas A. Edison}

84. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

^{Rodney Dangerfield}

85. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

^{Alice Roosevelt Longworth}

86. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

^{Terry Pratchett}

87. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

^{Billy Connolly}

88. Reality continues to ruin my life.

^{Bill Watterson}

89. I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met. – Funny Quotes

^{Herb Caen}

90. Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. – Funny Quotes

^{Ogden Nash}

91. Include me out.

^{Samuel Goldwyn}

92. Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

^{Tim Allen}

93. Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

^{Sam Levenson}

94. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

^{Joey Adams}

95. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

^{Josh Billings}

96. Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

^{Wilson Mizner}

97. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

^{Bill Vaughan}

98. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. – Funny Quotes

^{Tallulah Bankhead}

99. ^{Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.}

^{Saint Augustine}

100. I have an unfortunate personality.

^{Orson Welles}

Funny Quotes 101 – 200

101. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

^{H. L. Mencken}

102. Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

^{Robert A. Heinlein}

103. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

^{Spike Milligan}

104. Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.

^{Andre Maurois}

105. Only the mediocre are always at their best.

^{Jean Giraudoux}

106. Never put a sock in a toaster. – Funny Quotes

^{Eddie Izzard}

107. I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

^{Arthur Conan Doyle}

108. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

^{Phyllis Diller}

109. Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

^Hesiod

110. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.

^{Franklin P. Jones}

111. The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

^{Dave Barry}

112. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

^{Don Marquis}

113. The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

^{Jean de la Bruyere}

114. If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

^{William Lyon Phelps}

115. If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. – Funny Quotes

^{Logan Pearsall Smith}

116. I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.

^{Charles M. Schulz}

117. A word to the wise is infuriating.

^{Hunter S. Thompson}

118. I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

^{Harold Wilson}

119. Men are only as loyal as their options.

^{Bill Maher}

120. He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

^{George Eliot}

121. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. – Funny Quotes

^{Robert Benchley}

122. If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?

^{Laurence J. Peter}

123. I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.

^{Rose Kennedy}

124. He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

^{Raymond Chandler}

125. Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.

^{James Joyce}

126. Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

^{Robert Orben}

127. There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.

^{Don Herold}

128. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Funny Quotes

^{Buddy Hackett}

129. I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

^{Flannery O’Connor}