Funny Quotes

130. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry. – Funny Quotes

^{O. Henry}

131. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ – Funny Quotes

^{Claude Pepper}

132. Communism is like one big phone company.

^{Lenny Bruce}

133. You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them. – Funny Quotes

^{Thomas Hardy}

134. Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

^{Marilyn vos Savant}

135. A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children. – Funny Quotes

^{David Brenner}

136. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

^{Oliver Herford}

137. Every man has a sane spot somewhere.

^{Robert Louis Stevenson}

138. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

^{Jimmy Durante}

139. Instant gratification takes too long.

^{Carrie Fisher}

140. The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

^{Arthur C. Clarke}

141. When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

^{Saul Bellow}

142. One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

^{Samuel Johnson}

143. Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

^{Edward Abbey}

144. I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

^{Demetri Martin}

145. We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. – Funny Quotes

^{Louis Aragon}

146. I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

^{Norman Wisdom}

147. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

^{Mike Myers}

148. I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

^{Louis XIV}

149. If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

^{Rob Corddry}

150. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Funny Quotes

^{Les Dawson}

151. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

^{Stephen Fry}

152. So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

^{Christina Aguilera}

153. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

^{Elayne Boosler}

154. There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.

^{Dennis Miller}

155. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

^{Richard Lewis}

156. Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell. – Funny Quotes

^{Robert Byrne}

157. I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

^{David Letterman}

158. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. – Funny Quotes

^{Frank Lloyd Wright}

159. Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

^{Cathy Guisewite}

160. To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.

^{Jean-Luc Godard}

161. Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

^{Victor Hugo}

162. The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

^Voltaire

163. There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. – Funny Quotes

^{Vladimir Nabokov}

164. Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

^{Jerry Lewis}

165. What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. – Funny Quotes

^{Jerome K. Jerome}

166. We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.

^{Alanis Morissette}

167. All men are equal before fish.

^{Herbert Hoover}

168. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

^{W. Clement Stone}

169. I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. – Funny Quotes

^{Paul Simon}

170. The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder. – Funny Quotes

^{Al Gore}

171. I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

^{Bob Hope}

172. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

^{Emo Philips}

173. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

^{Jane Wagner}

174. After all is said and done, sit down.

^{Bill Copeland}

175. Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.

^{Charles Kettering}

176. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

^{Naguib Mahfouz}

177. I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?

^{Leo Durocher}

178. I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. – Funny Quotes

^{Tommy Cooper}

179. What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.

^{Christopher Fry}

180. It is to be observed that ‘angling’ is the name given to fishing by people who can’t fish.

^{Stephen Leacock}

181. An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

^{George Jean Nathan}

182. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

^{Steven Wright}

183. Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

^{Lewis Mumford}