Best Funny Quotes of All Time

Funny Quotes & Captions

If you’re in need of a good laugh or a witty remark to lighten the mood, look no further. We’ve curated 350 funny quotes and captions that are perfect for sharing on social media, adding to greeting cards, or just brightening up your day. Enjoy these short and clever quotes designed to make you and everyone around you smile.

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Hilarious One-Liners

1. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
2. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
3. “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
4. “I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person.”
5. “If I were a superhero, my power would be napping.”
6. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
7. “I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee.”
8. “I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.”
9. “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time.”
10. “I don’t have a dad bod. I have a father figure.”

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Witty Social Media Captions

11. “My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.”
12. “I’m not late. I’m on Hawaiian time.”
13. “If you were looking for a sign to be awesome, this is it.”
14. “I’m here to avoid friends on social media.”
15. “I have a degree in sarcasm.”
16. “If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer.”
17. “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
18. “I’ve got a black belt in keeping it real.”
19. “I’m just here for the snacks.”
20. “If life gives you lemons, add vodka and make a cocktail.”

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Short and Sweet Funny Quotes

21. “I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”
22. “Why be moody when you can shake your booty?”
23. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
24. “I’m not arguing, I’m just discussing loudly.”
25. “I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.”
26. “My mood depends on how good my hair looks.”
27. “I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.”
28. “I don’t need an excuse. I’m just naturally funny.”
29. “If you think I’m crazy, you should meet my family.”
30. “I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.”

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Funny Quotes About Life

31. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
32. “I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.”
33. “I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.”
34. “I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
35. “I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person.”
36. “I’m not procrastinating. I’m just prioritizing my tasks.”
37. “I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
38. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
39. “I’m not a genius. I’m just very good at finding solutions to easy problems.”
40. “I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”

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Clever Quotes for Everyday Situations

41. “I’m not shy, I’m just very good at avoiding people.”
42. “I don’t do mornings.”
43. “I’m not sure if I’m hungry or just bored.”
44. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
45. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
46. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”
47. “I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.”
48. “I’m not great at math, but I’m good at counting how many times I’ve hit snooze.”
49. “I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow.”
50. “I don’t always get a lot of sleep, but I always get a lot of love.”

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Funny Quotes About Food

51. “I’m on a diet. I’m not eating anything that’s not a food group.”
52. “I like my coffee like I like my mornings: dark and strong.”
53. “I’m not eating junk food. I’m having a balanced meal.”
54. “I’m on a low-carb diet: I’m cutting out all carbs, except for those in pizza.”
55. “I have a balanced diet. I make sure the cake is evenly distributed.”
56. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
57. “I don’t eat breakfast; I only snack until lunchtime.”
58. “My favorite food group is bacon.”
59. “I’m not a chef, but I can definitely cook up some laughs.”
60. “I’m on a diet, but I can still enjoy a pizza every now and then.”

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Hilarious Relationship Quotes

61. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. She told me to go see a psychiatrist.”
62. “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
63. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
64. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
65. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
66. “I’m not sure if I’m in love or if I’m just hungry.”
67. “In our house, we don’t argue. We just have intense discussions with food.”
68. “My wife says I’m like a cloud. When I disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
69. “I married my best friend. Best decision ever. Now we just argue like best friends.”
70. “I’m not saying my partner is perfect, but they do have one flaw: they’re not me.”

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Fun Quotes About Work

71. “I’m not working hard. I’m hardly working.”
72. “I’m not sure if I’m tired from work or just tired of work.”
73. “Work hard so you can shop harder.”
74. “I don’t do Mondays. I do coffee.”
75. “I’m not a workaholic. I’m just very committed to my job.”
76. “I’m not lazy. I’m just on a break that’s lasting a bit too long.”
77. “I don’t need a vacation; I need a permanent holiday.”
78. “I’m not a superhero, but I do have a cape at work.”
79. “I’m not a workaholic. I’m just passionate about my job.”
80. “If you think working is hard, try doing nothing.”

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Hilarious Quotes About Technology

81. “I’m not a tech expert. I’m just good at Googling.”
82. “I’m not saying my computer is slow, but it’s been buffering since 2012.”
83. “I don’t need therapy. I need Wi-Fi.”
84. “I’m not a tech wizard, but I can fix a printer with duct tape.”
85. “I’m not ignoring you. I’m just avoiding my phone.”
86. “If I can’t fix it with a reboot, it’s beyond my expertise.”
87. “I don’t have a smartphone. I have a dumb phone with apps.”
88. “My computer’s not slow. It’s just very, very thorough.”
89. “I’m not a tech geek, but I do like to play one on social media.”
90. “I’m not procrastinating; I’m just waiting for my computer to catch up.”

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Funny Quotes About Aging

91. “I’m not getting older; I’m leveling up.”
92. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
93. “I’m not old; I’m just well-aged.”
94. “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.”
95. “I’m not old. I’m vintage.”
96. “I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.”
97. “I’m not old. I’m just well-seasoned.”
98. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
99. “I’m not old. I’m a classic.”
100. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

More articles, Travel Quotes , Friendship Quotes , Motivational Quotes

Funny Quotes 001 – 100

1. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

^{Groucho Marx}

2. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Funny Quotes

^{Margaret Mead}

3. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

^{Winston Churchill}

4. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Funny Quotes

^{Jim Carrey}

5. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

^{Jules Renard}

6. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – Funny Quotes

^{George Carlin}

7. What’s another word for Thesaurus?

^{Steven Wright}

8. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Funny Quotes

^{Douglas Adams}

9. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

^{Charles Dudley Warner}

10. Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. – Funny Quotes

^{P. G. Wodehouse}

11. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

^{Isaac Asimov}

12. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

^{George Bernard Shaw}

13. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. – Funny Quotes

^{H. G. Wells}

14. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

^{Benjamin Franklin}

15. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Funny Quotes

^{Hedy Lamarr}

16. Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

^{Katharine Hepburn}

17. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Funny Quotes

^{Bertrand Russell}

18. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

^{Jerry Seinfeld}

19. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

^{Erma Bombeck}

20. You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Funny Quotes

^{Fran Lebowitz}

21. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

^{Alexander Woollcott}

22. Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

^{James Thurber}